Guest blogger Savpanda follows up The Most Bangable Disney Princess, answering the question: Which Disney Prince is the most bangable?:
I am going to begin by saying: literally every single one of them. If any one of these animated Gods asked me to do anything under the sun, I would not hesitate. I would eat anything off of any part of their body. I would slay a fucking dragon to ride that cowboy. I am more attracted to cartoons than actual people what is wrong with me.
Prince Charming: This is the guy who is naturally buff because he lifts up children and has to cut wood on the regular. He has no clue just how beautiful he is, he just wants to buy you stuff and show you around his castle. When Cinderella peaces in the middle of the party, he doesn’t say “shorty we haven’t even ‘gotten acquainted’ yet”. He doesn’t say “homegirl I bought you a drink, you have to go home with me now”. He’s more like “you forgot your shoe and it’s made out of crystal and I feel like I should return it because who the fuck has a crystal shoe?” Have sex with me.
Prince Eric: Shaggy hair. Real deep V’s. Can swim.
The Beast: The Beast is the perfect man. Half the time he’s all smooth and gentle and would bathe you with a sponge and try not to get soap in your eyes. The other half of the time (the having intercourse time) he is an absolute monster. Or Beast I guess. You don’t get a mercy word. He’s going to pull your hair and break your furniture. He’s going to stick it wherever he likes and you are going to thank him for it. Thank you Beast. Thank you for being alive and reminding me what I want in a man.
Aladdin: He’s a rebel and he’s exactly what your daddy didn’t want you to end up with. Also his only friends are a monkey and a genie??? Sign me up twice. His pants are all flowing and come off real easy. Plus he’s good at stealing so if you ever blow your fortune on rubies and servants and such, he can grab a couple apples here and there so you don’t starve and die.
John Smith: Not really a prince. But he wears a hat made of metal so whatever, close enough. You can live happily ever after in a remote cabin by the river, polishing his “helmet” (innuendo). Until one day he sees a beautiful dark haired Pocahontas, and all of his priorities change. This is kind of unfortunate, because let’s face it, Pocahontas is a lot hotter than any of us will ever be. But we can be the rebound when they break up at the end of the movie.
Li Shang: Even though he’s a cartoon, he has a nicer body than 99% of the men in the real world. He can rock the fuck out of a top knot, and is A WARRIOR. HE CAN KILL PEOPLE WITH STICKS. Other than that I don’t got much. However, he was secretly attracted to a man who turns out to be a woman, so make sure it’s you he wants, and not a sticking of a different kind.
Hercules: Well y’know, he’s Hercules. He might be a little too much to handle actually. The Beast was already enough to give you a good limp, but Hercules could probably accidentally crush all of your bones if he got too excited. Kind of an Edward Cullen type situation. Which is also sort of hot. On the other hand, Hercules is the Roman times version of our average meathead today. If he lived in the twenty first century, he would have one of those tank tops that only covers your nipples, and say stuff to girls like “hey baby girl your face makes me feel nice in my pants”. Not hot. Until you get him alone with his kitten and he turns into a giant puddle of muscle and feelings.