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Guest blogger Savpanda follows up The Most Bangable Disney Princess, answering the question: Which Disney Prince is the most bangable?:

I am going to begin by saying: literally every single one of them. If any one of these animated Gods asked me to do anything under the sun, I would not hesitate. I would eat anything off of any part of their body. I would slay a fucking dragon to ride that cowboy. I am more attracted to cartoons than actual people what is wrong with me.

Prince Charming: This is the guy who is naturally buff because he lifts up children and has to cut wood on the regular. He has no clue just how beautiful he is, he just wants to buy you stuff and show you around his castle. When Cinderella peaces in the middle of the party, he doesn’t say “shorty we haven’t even ‘gotten acquainted’ yet”. He doesn’t say “homegirl I bought you a drink, you have to go home with me now”. He’s more like “you forgot your shoe and it’s made out of crystal and I feel like I should return it because who the fuck has a crystal shoe?” Have sex with me.

prince charming naked

Prince Eric: Shaggy hair. Real deep V’s. Can swim.

prince eric final

 The Beast: The Beast is the perfect man. Half the time he’s all smooth and gentle and would bathe you with a sponge and try not to get soap in your eyes. The other half of the time (the having intercourse time) he is an absolute monster. Or Beast I guess. You don’t get a mercy word. He’s going to pull your hair and break your furniture. He’s going to stick it wherever he likes and you are going to thank him for it. Thank you Beast. Thank you for being alive and reminding me what I want in a man.

Must rewatch the deleted scenes

. . . Must rewatch the deleted scenes

Aladdin: He’s a rebel and he’s exactly what your daddy didn’t want you to end up with. Also his only friends are a monkey and a genie??? Sign me up twice. His pants are all flowing and come off real easy. Plus he’s good at stealing so if you ever blow your fortune on rubies and servants and such, he can grab a couple apples here and there so you don’t starve and die.

prince aladdin 2

John Smith: Not really a prince. But he wears a hat made of metal so whatever, close enough. You can live happily ever after in a remote cabin by the river, polishing his “helmet” (innuendo). Until one day he sees a beautiful dark haired Pocahontas, and all of his priorities change. This is kind of unfortunate, because let’s face it, Pocahontas is a lot hotter than any of us will ever be. But we can be the rebound when they break up at the end of the movie.

Clearly there are some direct-to-video sequels I missed out on

Clearly there are some direct-to-video sequels I missed out on

Li Shang: Even though he’s a cartoon, he has a nicer body than 99% of the men in the real world. He can rock the fuck out of a top knot, and is A WARRIOR. HE CAN KILL PEOPLE WITH STICKS. Other than that I don’t got much. However, he was secretly attracted to a man who turns out to be a woman, so make sure it’s you he wants, and not a sticking of a different kind.

The only things you need to be holding are my pants

The only things you need to be holding are my pants

Hercules: Well y’know, he’s Hercules. He might be a little too much to handle actually. The Beast was already enough to give you a good limp, but Hercules could probably accidentally crush all of your bones if he got too excited. Kind of an Edward Cullen type situation. Which is also sort of hot. On the other hand, Hercules is the Roman times version of our average meathead today. If he lived in the twenty first century, he would have one of those tank tops that only covers your nipples, and say stuff to girls like “hey baby girl your face makes me feel nice in my pants”. Not hot. Until you get him alone with his kitten and he turns into a giant puddle of muscle and feelings.

prince hercules

Guestblogger Tytanic on adventures in the Norwood Scale:

You know how they say less is more? It’s true in most cases; desserts, golf scores, makeup, debt, salt and pepper. But there’s one big exception – hair.

Let’s just say, as a 27 year old, my hairline has peaked and hats have become a good friend of mine. Gone are the days of “taming my flow,” “deciding which haircut to get” and “buying shampoo.” I remember it like it was yesterday: after showering, I’d look in my drain and it was full of hair – no wait. That was yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.

wish you were

I was 21 when I first noticed that I started having a lot less hair and a lot more forehead, I felt exactly like that kid in that movie when that thing happened. I looked over at my brother, who was also follicly challenged and it struck me then and there that I would never be able to pursue my dream of becoming a “surfer dude.” I did the only thing any sane person would do – I googled “hair transplants.” I was surprised to learn that hair transplants aren’t cheap. I mean, I’ve seen gardeners lay down some seeds, water it a bit and boom, two weeks later beautiful green grass growing. Shouldn’t hair be that easy? Unfortunately it isn’t. Hair transplants are at least 7,000 dollars, or, 14.00$ per strand of hair. With hair surgery out of the budget I did what any sane person would do – I bought a comfortable and fitting hat.

 

The next phase of losing your hair isn’t very fun either. A little something called jealousy. I started noticing every other guy’s hairstyle. I instantly hated anyone with more hair than me, I especially started to hate senior gentlemen who had luscious, white, locks of hair. I don’t know if throughout the years, the jealousy phase thins out (pun intended) or if I just got use to knowing that actually billions of people have considerably nicer hair than I do. I still do hold on to one thing from the jealousy phase, something that hasn’t changed, something that will never change: I hate homeless people with nice hair – they don’t even wash it or comb it! What a waste of perfectly good hair. I would kill to have some homeless dude’s hair.

I hate homeless people

And I would spend all my change on conditioner

Some seasons are more fun than others when losing your hair becomes a problem. I hate the cold, I hate the snow, but I love winter. I can wear a tuque or a hat outside to keep me warm and inside, I just have to pretend I’m a hipster and that MGMT is the best band ever assembled. In the summer, I can wear a baseball cap outside to protect me from that harsh sun or inside and all I have to do is pretend I like baseball. Autumn is difficult. Hats aren’t very popular during the fall months. So I subscribe to Netflix and hibernate. Call me when I can wear a hat outside.

The next phase is the healthiest – acceptance. Once you accept that it’s just hair and “it could be worse” you decide to move on. It’s true mom, I could have lost a limb. EVEN THOUGH TECHNOLOGY HAS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO GIVE PEOPLE BIONIC LIMBS. TECHNOLOGY HAS ADVANCED ENOUGH TO SEND ROBOTS TO MARS. WE CAN PUT CAMERAS INSIDE GRAINS OF SAND. WE CAN MAKE DEAF PEOPLE HEAR AGAIN. BUT SCIENTISTS CAN’T DEVELOP A PILL TO GROW MY HAIR BACK? WHAT THE FUC – so like I said, acceptance is the healthiest phase. Look at Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jude Law and that other bald actor. They’re all doing fine. Look at Andre Agassi, Kevin O’leary or Pitbull, they’re basically Ryan Gosling aren’t they? Ladies?

ryan-gosling-beard

I mean I can’t even tell the difference

Losing hair is devastating. It even changed my vocabulary; bald eagles are just eagles to me now. No need to discriminate. Rabbits and bunnies shouldn’t be called a hare. There’s no need.

Rub it in, eagle

Rub it in, eagle

Sure, I don’t play pool any more because striking the cue ball offends me. And maybe sometimes I stare into barbershops and remember how fun it was to look through magazines and pick out a hair style. But it’s just hair right? It honestly could be worse. At least I have a big penis funny writing style. Don’t stress about losing your hair, it makes it worse and you’ll lose it all faster. It’s just hair.

I’m going to go for a walk to cool down, where’s my hat?

 

WE’VE ALL THOUGHT ABOUT IT. Which Disney Princess would you do, given the chance? The answer is Jasmine. Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine. In fact, she is the only real option. Here’s why.

Aurora: She likes hitting the mattress, but all she wants to do is sleep.

disney-princess-real-life-3

Too tired again

Cinderella: Innocent and virginal. More interested in getting a new gown than getting down.

Wait . . . This isn't how I remember it.

At least . . . Wait. This isn’t how I remember it.

Mulan: Mulan is gung-ho, intelligent and independent – and therefore hot. The problem is that when she disguises herself as a young boy, it’s TOO successful. Try getting down and dirty with that image in your mind.

Boy, bend over

“You are either the cutest boy or the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen.”

Tiana: Ambitious, hard-working and driven. But also a frog a lot of the time.

Give it to me ribbit

“Give it to me ribbit.”

Esmerelda: Not an official DP (Disney Princess, get your mind out of the gutter) but whatever. Esmerelda is free-spirited and sexy. But she’s always with her goat, Djali. The thing follows her everywhere. You know how weird it is when your cat watches you have sex? Now imagine a goat.

"What? Is this a cock block?!"

“What? Is this a cock block?!”

Pocahontas: If this is the same Pocahontas from history, then when she met John Smith she was 12 years old. Not even jailbait.

Matured early?

According to some artistic renditions, she matured early

Ariel:

As a mermaid, she has a fish tail. Now, even leaving aside the shudder when you imagine running a hand down those cold scales, this is a reproduction game changer. How do fish have sex? Let’s put it like this. If you want to watch Ariel shoot eggs out of her vagina and then jizz on them . . . all yours.

You make a compelling counter-argument.

Although you make a compelling counter-argument, sexy version Ariel.

Nala: is a lioness. Not a human.

. . . OK, fine. I would too.

I . . . Don't look at me.

I . . . Don’t look at me.

Snow White: Snow White is a prime example of a sexually oblivious female. She lives with seven grown men, but acts like their mother. She probably thinks a penis is someone who plays the piano.

I mean I could be wrong.

I mean . . . I could be wrong.

Megara: is for sure on heroine. Look at how skinny her arms are. (Also: technically not a DP).

"I don't have any bottom teeth."

“I don’t have any bottom teeth.”

Rapunzel: her eyes are larger than her breasts. Her child-like body is disconcerting. Yeah, she’s into kinky shit, she’ll tie you to a chair using her hair, but she’s also that girl at the bar using a fake ID and ordering vodka cranberry shots.

Humbert Humbert, lookout

Humbert Humbert, look out

Belle: Belle is Jasmine’s principal rival because she’s gorgeous and reads books: win. The problem is that she’s the ultimate Nice Girl. There’s no sass in this one. Try to imagine post-argument make-up sex with Belle. It’s impossible, because there was never any argument. There’s also her attraction to Beast – a raging lunatic who was cursed for being an asshole. Yeah, he has a soft and gentle centre. But so does everybody, when you get to know them. Everyone has something human and vulnerable inside. Belle is a Nice Girl who falls for a Douche.

Belle: the poster-child for Stockholm Syndrome

Belle: the poster-child for Stockholm Syndrome

And bestiality

And bestiality

disney-princess-real-life-5

JASMINE: the only Princess with breasts. She’s smart, independent and feisty. She has pep coming out of her ears – it’s a pep fountain, you could bottle it and sell it to boring Princesses like Snow White, Aurora and Cinderella and make them interesting. Jasmine is the only Princess who really seems to own her sexuality. The others feel like they’ve been lifted from a commercial for Pledge Multi Surface Cleaner: they’re great potential housewives, not ideal romantic and sexual partners. Jasmine will argue with you, she’ll call your bluffs, and she’ll fuck the living shit out of you, you can tell because she looks exactly like Kim Kardashian:

Kim-Kardashian

She’ll go on wild adventures with you, over sideways and under (innuendo). She’s cool with the fact that your best friend is a monkey who probably has rabies and doesn’t mind that you’re actually a bum with several convictions for petty theft and you always wear the same shirt, and that shirt is purple.

AND . . . she can do this:

jasmineslave

MARRY ME.

disney-princess-jasmine

jasmine

dpjasmine

 

Last Hurrah

WELCOME to Last Hurrah. I can’t sleep, and here is what I think about. Why is this blog called Last Hurrah? We never know when we’re going to go – so let’s be funny.

Originally, I was going to call this blog Pea Soup, but that is an awful name. It was because I wanted it to be a mix of things – mostly random late night thoughts, but then hither and thither in this green sea would float more meaty topics, and various other vegetables.

That's deep man

Uh . . . that’s deep man

‘Last Hurrah’ makes me think of ‘Moo, You Bloody Choir’, the title of an album from Australian band Augie March. As he wrote the songs, Glenn Richards, living next to an abattoir, could hear the last moos of cows being lead to the slaughter. A bit morbid, I know, but this blog is my moo! A moo consisting of random thoughts, unreasonable rants, and idle observations. Along the way, some of my friends will moo with me. We will moo about important things. The sex lives of Greek gods. Aladdin’s penis. The Montreal metro. The Hobbit. You know. Stuff that matters.

end-world-survival-guide-staying-alive-during-zombie-apocalypse.w654